Community

How to Do (and Enjoy) Discipleship

/ Blake Glosson / 4 Comments

Above is a video devotional on discipleship I delivered for a mini-series at my church. A lightly edited transcript of the video is below.

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A few years ago, I got to see the Broadway show Hamilton, which was easily one of the most impressive performances I have ever seen in person (along with Taylor Swift, of course). For three hours, I sat in awe of the creativity and excellence of the entire production. I could talk for a long time about this show.

Yet one of my favorite parts of Hamilton was not the show itself but the drive home from Chicago with my sister. We blabbered back and forth for a full hour: Wasn’t that incredible? Wasn’t Eliza’s voice amazing? Wasn’t King George hilarious? Did you see those acrobats? Did they ever mess up?

What was I doing as I recounted my favorite parts to my sister? I was inviting her to enter into praise with me. I was inviting her to enjoy and marvel at the object I found admirable. Why? Because our joy is amplified when someone else praises the same object that we find beautiful. Our joy is amplified when we share in praising the praiseworthy.

We’ve all felt this sensation. When you hear a catchy song, watch a riveting movie, or see a beautiful sunset, don’t you want to share it with someone? Then—after the other person experiences the object of your praise—you ask, “Wasn’t that so good?” If she says, “That was amazing,” joy floods your heart—and that’s because sharing in praise completes our joy.

My Hamilton experience is just a tiny glimpse into what makes Christian discipleship so wonderful. Discipleship is an invitation to worship and enjoy our beautiful and praiseworthy Savior, Jesus Christ, with one another. And when we do that—when we share in praise and pursuit of Jesus—Christ is glorified, and our joy is multiplied.

Let’s consider three questions: What is discipleship? Why do discipleship? How can we grow as disciplers?

1. What is discipleship?

Before we define what discipleship is, it’s helpful to consider what it is not. Two common misconceptions of discipleship are helpful to identify up front:

On the one hand, some people think discipleship is merely community. They think as long as they have spent time with another Christian, they have therefore done discipleship.

On the other hand, some people think discipleship is merely teaching. They think as long as they gave someone a gospel tract or sermon, they have therefore done discipleship.

Unfortunately, neither community alone nor teaching alone fulfills God’s purposes for discipleship. Discipleship, rather, is the marriage between community and teaching (see 1 Thessalonians 2:8). Discipleship is life-on-life, gospel-centered, Word-driven, Christ-conforming community.

Often, discipleship happens when a mature believer teaches and walks alongside a younger Christian. But it’s not limited to that context. Discipleship happens whenever two people seek to know Christ, love Christ, and become more like Christ together. Examples include:

  • A mother teaching her child how to pray.
  • Two young men holding each other accountable.
  • An older Christian mentoring a younger Christian.
  • Two friends studying the Bible together.
  • Siblings going to church together and then talking about the sermon afterward.
  • A married couple inviting a single adult into their home for dinner and intentional spiritual conversation.

Discipleship is what happens whenever two or more people seek to know Jesus, love Jesus, reflect Jesus, and become more like Jesus together. To say that in three words: biblical discipleship is following Jesus together.

2. Why do discipleship? Why follow Jesus together?

Consider two reasons to follow Jesus with others:

(A) Because salvation is found in no one except Jesus; there is no other name under heaven by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12).

Jesus is the most precious, most beautiful, most glorious, most trustworthy, most praiseworthy person in the universe, and he is the only unfailing object of salvation, joy, hope, and peace. We follow Jesus to gain and know him (see Philippians 3:8).

So, you say, “Okay—I get that, and I do love Jesus, but why should we follow Jesus together? Can’t I just follow him alone?”

Consider the second benefit of discipleship:

(B) Following Jesus with someone else leads to a double blessing that cannot come from following Jesus alone.

Let’s return to the sunset analogy. When you enjoy a beautiful sunset with your wife, husband, or close friend, two wonderful things happen at that moment:

First, you enjoy the sunset more because of that person’s presence. We’ve all felt this joy—beauty is better shared!

But we often overlook the second blessing: You also enjoy the other person’s presence more because of the sunset. The very experience of admiring beauty with someone else causes you to walk away with a deeper appreciation for both the object of beauty and the person with whom you share it.

Discipleship provides the same double blessing! When you marvel at the beauty of Christ with another person, you walk away with a deeper love for Christ and that other person (see Psalm 16:2–3).

To take that a step further: When you and another person pursue Jesus together, you will not only be able to enjoy the beauty of Jesus with that other person, but you will also be able to enjoy the beauty of Jesus through that other person. Think about the most patient person you know. Do you realize that this person’s patience is helping you understand and cherish the patience of Christ? Think about the most loving person you know. Do you realize that this person’s love is helping you understand and cherish the love of Christ?

Discipleship invites us to enjoy Christ and the people around us more—it’s a double blessing! Discipleship is the joy of knowing and being known, loving and being loved, and becoming more like Christ with someone else.

So, you say, “That sounds great on paper, but how?…

3. …How can I grow as a discipler?”

Consider three marks of an effective discipler. (This is by no means an exhaustive list; it’s more of a starting point.)

(A) An effective discipler teaches with both her words and her actions.

Remember, discipleship is the marriage between teaching and community. Sometimes the most powerful moments of discipleship happen not when you are explaining justification by faith alone at a coffee shop but when someone simply observes your life:

  • They watch the way you speak gently to your kids. (Or they hear you repent to your kids after not speaking gently to them!)
  • They see how you treat the waitress with kindness.
  • They watch you respond with patience when someone cuts you off in traffic.
  • They see how hospitable you are in your home.
  • They hear the way you encourage your classmates or friends.

People will learn just as much about Christ by your actions as by your words. So it’s important to not only talk about the Christian life with the person you are discipling but also to live the Christian life with him or her.

(B) An effective discipler regularly spends time with Jesus in God’s Word and prayer.

I love the little phrase at the end of Acts 4:13:

“Now when [the Jewish leaders] saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus.”

Can the people in your life recognize that you have been with Jesus? Can they tell that you have been spending time with him?

It has been said that you become like the people you are around the most. Can others tell that you have been around Jesus? Do they see Christ shining through you? Do they even hear you talking like him because you have been listening to his words so much?

A great way to disciple others is to read the Bible and pray with them. When these disciplines are already rhythms of your own life, you’ll find them spilling out in your interactions with others, and your discipleship will be much more fruitful.

(C) An effective discipler excels at listening.

A common mistake among people in leadership positions is to think that to lead a student, child, or a younger Christian, we must major in speaking—in telling others what to do and how to live. This simply isn’t true. While part of discipling others is guiding them through our words, the first step in leading and influencing others is truly knowing them, which cannot happen apart from listening.

The adage is true: people do not care how much you know until they know how much you care. We earn the right to speak into the lives of others by first listening well.

Love through discipleship

Is there someone in your life with whom you can have an intentional conversation about Jesus? Sometime today, seek out an opportunity to talk with this person (or schedule a time to meet with this person). Often the most meaningful spiritual conversations begin with a very simple question, such as:

  • How are you doing spiritually?
  • How can I pray for you?
  • What has God been teaching you recently?
  • What is one way you’d like to grow in your faith?
  • What is one joy and one challenge in your faith right now?
  • Can I share a passage with you that has been encouraging me?
  • Would you like to come to church with me this Sunday?

God wants to display Christ’s beauty to the people in your life. He will use you to accomplish this end, especially as you spend time with Jesus, reflect him through your words and actions, and listen well. So rejoice today in the blessing-filled task of discipleship!

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Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Book suggestions:

Side by Side (Edward T. Welch)

Deep Discipleship (J.T. English)

The Cost of Discipleship (Deitrich Bonhoeffer)

My recent articles:

Read “The Day ‘Darkness Rejoiced As Though Heaven Had Lost’” here.

Read “7 Things to Say to a Hurting Loved One” here.

Read “In Suffering, God Isn’t (Simply) Teaching You a Lesson” here.

Read “To Fix or Not to Fix? When to Give Advice and When to Listen” here.

7 Things to Say to a Hurting Loved One

/ Blake Glosson / 4 Comments

Note: This article is also published on The Gospel Coalition. It was also discussed on Moody Radio (you can also listen on Spotify and most other podcast platforms).

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Arguably no moment is more formative than immediately after a loved one shares her pain with you. Relationships are defined by what happens in these sacred seconds. Your words can bring healing or harm, communicate love or judgment, build or destroy trust.

Listening is almost always the surest way to care for a hurting friend, as it establishes trust, facilitates understanding, opens the door to self-discovery and growth, and powerfully communicates the heart and love of Christ. Jesus excelled in the ministry of listening, and he wants us to follow in his footsteps.

Yet Jesus did more than listen to sufferers; he also spoke life-giving words to them. While we should always take a listen-first approach with hurting loved ones, we should also look for opportunities to speak words of hope and encouragement. A timely word of encouragement can bring blessing and even healing: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24; cf. 12:18; 25:11).

Unfortunately, we often find ourselves ill-equipped to speak words of life to hurting loved ones. Consider seven helpful phrases to keep near.

1. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”

When someone reveals her heart to you, she entrusts you with a priceless possession, saying, “I trust you enough to handle this with care.” Recognize the preciousness and privilege of this moment. It is an honor that she trusts you enough to make herself vulnerable. Dignify her by vocalizing your appreciation of this reality.

Expressing gratitude communicates, “You are valuable to me, and I am grateful you would entrust me with something as precious as your heart.” Acknowledging the value of a sufferer’s heart and feelings is one of the easiest and most effective ways to honor her. 

2. “This is a difficult situation.”

Suffering can be a breeding ground for accusation. Sometimes this accusation is self-inflicted, but often it is perpetuated by a misguided (or abusive) authority figure, peer, or the Accuser himself, who says to sufferers:

  • “Toughen up. What kind of Christian are you?”
  • “You shouldn’t still be grieving about this.”
  • “Why are you hurting? You must not trust God.”
  • “Why are you sad? You brought this upon yourself.”
  • “Why are you confused? You must not have genuine faith.”
  • “Why are you anxious? You must be sinning.”

When you acknowledge the difficulty of a situation, you remind the sufferer that she’s not crazy, stupid, or sinning for feeling hurt or confused. As limited people walking alongside limited people in a broken and complex world, often the most fitting thing we can say is simply, “This is hard.”

Another useful phrase is, “This is wrong.” This sentiment is especially appropriate when the sufferer has been mistreated or abused. Acknowledging the wrongness of injustice is right; Christ hears your words and says, “Amen.” Jesus sees and hates the ravaging effects of sin (Prov. 8:13; Isa. 59:15), mourns with his people (Isa. 53:4; 63:8–9; John 11:33–35), and will one day return to bring judgment and make all things right (Rev. 21:1–8; 22:1–7).

3. “My heart hurts for you.”

I still remember the first time someone (a long-time family friend) spoke these exact words to me. I remember thinking, “I don’t think five words have ever made me feel so . . . loved.” Not only did this person see and acknowledge my suffering, but she cared enough to enter into it.

Expressing your sympathetic pain incarnates the heart of Christ, who enters into our pain and suffers with us in all our affliction (cf. Isa. 53:4; 63:8–9; John 11:33–35; Acts 9:1–5). It also alleviates the sufferer’s loneliness, if only for a moment. The words, “My heart hurts for you” remind your loved one that she does not walk alone. Not many assurances are more comforting to a hurting soul.

4. “Thank you for modeling Christlikness by [insert one specific way the sufferer is demonstrating Christlikeness].”

Encouragement is universal medicine for hurting souls. Do not leave an interaction with a hurting loved one without administering this tonic. Even if you can’t change her circumstances, you can buoy her by speaking a specific word of encouragement.

As your loved one explains her hardship, listen closely for things she’s doing well. Acknowledge these things and thank her for her example. Useful phrases include:

  • “I admire the way you [insert behavior].”
  • “Your [insert behavior] encourages me and glorifies God.”
  • “Your [insert behavior] is clear evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in you.”

When you acknowledge how a sufferer’s efforts encourage you, reflect Christ, or serve God’s people, it reminds her that God is at work and that her suffering is not pointless.

5. “This verse has been meaningful to me: [read/quote Scripture].”

No words help a hurting person more than God’s words. Scripture is food for famished ones (Matt. 4:4), comfort for the afflicted (Ps. 119:49–50), life for those walking through the valley of the shadow of death (Ps. 119:25, 50, 107; John 6:63). When walking with a hurting loved one, remind her of God’s presence and promises:

Praying with a hurting loved one is another effective way to use your words to bless her and point her to God’s presence and promises. One of my favorite passages to pray with hurting loved ones is Psalm 143 (especially vv. 6–12).

We do need to be careful with how we introduce Scripture to someone suffering. God’s Word should never be used to downplay suffering (band-aiding) or to show superiority over the other person (disparaging). You’ve heard the unhelpful advice:

  • You’re depressed? Philippians 4:4 says, “Rejoice always!” 
  • You’re anxious? Philippians 4:6 says, “Be anxious for nothing!”
  • You’re lonely? God’s Word tells us to pursue relationships. Have you tried spending time with people?

Unhelpful statements like these communicate arrogance (Look at how much wisdom I have that you don’t) and ignorance (Your suffering is an easy problem to fix; you just need to read this verse). A sufferer’s pain is never as simplistic as a problem to fix or a lesson to learn. Let’s be careful not to communicate these harmful messages.

6. “What can I do to help?”

During the conversation, you might ask, “What would be most helpful for me to do right now? Would it be most helpful for me to listen? To pray with you? To share my thoughts?” Asking this question (and honoring her request) will communicate love and direct you on how to serve her most effectively.

After the conversation, you can ask, “How can I best care for you in the days ahead?” Often it is useful to offer specific suggestions:

  • “Could I bring you a meal on Thursday?” 
  • “Would it be helpful if I picked up your son from school on Friday during your doctor’s appointment?”
  • “Would you like to meet before your interview on Monday to talk through some of your potential responses?”

Don’t assume you know what a sufferer needs (whether in the conversation or after the conversation). Feel free to offer suggestions, but—generally speaking—it’s best to let her tell you what would serve her most effectively.

7. Nothing.

Silence is, at times, the most appropriate response to someone’s suffering. For example, immediately after a friend loses a loved one or undergoes a traumatic experience, words can be stifling or even hurtful. The same is often true whenever a loved one begins weeping while sharing her pain. In moments like these, often the best way to show love and support is non-verbal. Hug her. Weep with her. Hold her hand. Usually, when someone’s suffering is intense, what she needs most from you is simply for you to be there (see Job 2:12–13).

A good habit when a sufferer shares her pain is to say nothing for at least five seconds when it’s your “turn” to talk. This intentional pause gives the other person a chance to breathe and share anything else that is on her heart or mind. It also communicates, “I am here to listen and understand, not merely to fix you or share my thoughts.”

When someone shares her pain, you have a golden opportunity to put the heart of Christ on display. Make the most of this opportunity by listening well, praying for the Spirit’s help, and speaking words of grace and love.

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Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Listen to Moody Radio’s discussion of this article here (or on Spotify here).

Read “In Suffering, God Isn’t (Simply) Teaching You a Lesson” here.

Read “When to Give Advice and When to Listen” here.

Read “Four(teen) Ways to Improve Your Listening” here

Read “Three Ways to Glorify God in Worry and Anxiety” here.