Listen

The Neglected Ministry of Asking Questions

/ Blake Glosson / 7 Comments

Think about people who make you feel loved. What about them makes you feel this way? Without knowing you (or them), I can almost guarantee they ask good questions and listen well. David Augsburger observed, “Being heard is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference.” Show me a person who asks questions and listens, and I’ll show you a person who makes people feel known and loved.

Sadly, this is an increasingly rare gift. Stephen Covey notes, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” In other words, most people don’t actually listen—they wait. They wait for you to stop talking so they can talk. Some of this is a matter of attention span—trained by short videos on social media, minds quickly wander. But at a deeper level, most people are simply more interested in what they have to say than what the other person has to say.

This makes asking questions and actively listening one of the rarest (and most powerful) ways to communicate love. And when we bless others by asking good questions and listening well, we uniquely and powerfully reflect God’s character and love. Question-asking was one of Jesus’s favorite tools. Even though Jesus knew all things (John 16:30)—including people’s hearts (John 2:24–25)—he still asked over 300 questions in the Gospels alone.

Though we’ve all benefited from good questions and active listening, many of us feel ill-equipped to do it ourselves. To that end, here are three principles for question-based conversation.

1. Be Curious

The beginning of asking good questions is being genuinely curious about the person to whom you’re speaking. A good conversational tool to keep in your toolbelt is the acronym FORKS. Whenever you meet with new people, ask about their:

  • Family
  • Occupation
  • Recreation
  • Knowledge
  • Spirituality

(I provide sample questions for each topic at the end of this article.)

“Why” questions are often the best kind to ask. This will help draw out the other person’s motivations, passions, and feelings—which not only makes for better conversation but also helps you get to know this person beyond a surface level.

Another great way to begin a question is with the phrase, “Can you teach me about?” Pick a topic that you know the other person is passionate about or experienced in, and ask the person to educate you on it. This is one of the most effective (and fun) ways to get to know people and to make them feel valued—and it gives you an opportunity to learn. Everyone wins.

2. Follow Up

Once the other person finishes talking, try to repeat the content in your own words (e.g., “So, you’re saying?”). Making a habit of asking this follow-up question will help you learn to listen well. It’ll also assure other people that they’ve been heard and that you value what they have to say.

Another great follow-up question is “Can you tell me more about [choose one part of what they just shared]?” or “What do you mean by [choose one part of what they just shared]?” Not only does this spark deeper conversation, but it signals to the other person, “I’m interested in what you have to say, and I want to make sure I don’t misunderstand you.”

3. Ask Leading Questions

One of the best ways to love others (and glorify God) is to ask questions that lead to mutually edifying, Christ-exalting discussion. God tells us to think about praiseworthy things (Phil. 4:8) and to talk about things that build up the people in the conversation (Eph. 4:29). Think about the kinds of questions that you typically ask. Do they typically stimulate discussions that lead to praise and gratitude? Or do your questions typically stimulate gossip or complaining?

All questions lead somewhere and set the tone and trajectory of a conversation. The next time you’re conversing with someone, ask yourself: Where do my questions lead? Do they tear down or build up? Do they promote anger or love? Do they lead to mutual frustration or mutual edification?

Communicate Love

Everyone has something to say, but few have the opportunity to say it since question-asking and listening are increasingly rare.

The next time you meet with someone, challenge yourself to ask more questions than you answer. This can go a long way in making the other person feel valued—and it’s one of the most powerful ways to communicate the character and love of God.

Note: This article was first published by The Gospel Coalition. It was republished by Randy Alcorn’s Eternal Perspective Ministries.

Sample questions for FORKS:

  • Family: How has your relationship with your brother been? How is your mom’s health? How have you been shaped by your parents? What is your favorite attribute in your spouse? What is your sister like? Who are you closest with in your family, and why? What does your family enjoy doing together? What is your favorite family vacation or tradition, and why?
  • Occupation: What inspired you to pursue the job/major you have? What is your favorite part about your job/major and why? What have you been working on at your job/school recently? Can you teach me about [insert something related to their job]? What has been most interesting to you about the class you’re taking, and why does this interest you?
  • Recreation: What do you enjoy doing in your free time and why? How has your [insert hobby or project] been going? What would you say you are most passionate about? If you could make a living out of doing anything, what would you pick and why? Why do you enjoy [insert their favorite TV show/book/activity] so much? If you could join a club or take a class for fun, what would be the activity/subject?
  • Knowledge: What have you been learning about recently (in general)? What have you been learning about yourself recently? What have you been reading recently and how is it impacting you? What have you learned about [insert their passion] recently? Can you teach me about [insert something related to their passion or skill]? What is your favorite medium for learning, and why? (e.g., books, podcasts, YouTube videos, hands-on learning, etc.) What is the best advice you have ever received?
  • Spirituality: How are you doing spiritually? What is one joy and one challenge in your faith recently? What has God been teaching you recently? What is one way you would like to grow in this season of life, and why? What stood out to you from last week’s sermon, and why? How did you come to faith in Christ?

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Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Read “Four(teen) Ways to Improve Your Listening” here.

Read “How to Do (and Enjoy) Discipleship” here.

Read “Four Burdens Jesus Never Asked You to Carry” here.

Read “Three Ways to Make Your Encouragement Meaningful” here.

4 Marks of a Powerful Sermon

/ Blake Glosson / 5 Comments

People are starving for the greatness of God.

This is the opening line of the preface to John Piper’s excellent work, The Supremacy of God in Preaching, first published in 1990. Over thirty years later—in a vastly different and rapidly changing world—this widespread, soul-gnawing hunger remains. And the universal need for faithful preaching remains.

The next generation of Christian leaders and laypeople desperately needs sermons that provide more than temporary entertainment or intellectual stimulation. We need sermons deep enough to penetrate the loneliest cavities of our hearts. We need sermons strong enough to “barge into our souls and shake awake a hopeful response.” We need sermons sturdy enough to stabilize us when we feel shaken by opposition, persecution, temptation, and suffering. 

There’s no time to waste on Christianized Ted Talks, motivational speeches, lofty monologues, or sermons that resemble standup comedy more than true encounters with God. We need soul-feeding, heart-healing, mind-training, truth-telling, grace-dispensing, hope-directing, life-giving, Christ-exalting preaching. We need preaching that brings us to Jesus and his host of benefits and protections.

Pastor, if you want to preach sermons that glorify God, offer tangible hope, prompt true heart change, and leave an eternal impact—not merely tickle ears for 30 minutes—consider four marks of a powerful sermon. (And church congregant: encourage your pastor to pursue these marks!)

Disclaimer: My main focus in this article is on the content of effective sermons. Elements such as the preacher’s prayer life, exegetical work, personal piety, knowledge of the text, familiarity with the manuscript, involvement in the life of the church, and dependence on the Holy Spirit are all vital in sermon preparation and delivery.

Mark #1: Jesus—not the preacher—gets the spotlight.

I love meeting new people. My idea of a good time is to grab coffee with a preacher and learn all about him—his family, hobbies, experiences, and the lessons he’s learned in ministry. But I don’t go to church to meet the preacher. I go to church to meet Jesus. Why? Because my soul is starving for nourishment and Jesus alone is true food (John 6:55). My soul is gasping for oxygen, and Jesus alone is true life (John 14:6). My soul is tired and weary, and Jesus alone is true rest (Matthew 11:28-30).

I come to church every week with a backdrop of sin that only Jesus can absolve. I come weighed down by sorrows and brokenness too heavy for anyone but Jesus to carry. I come weary, muddy, scraped up, oft-confused, prone to wander—and Jesus alone can sustain me, cleanse me, mend me, direct me, shepherd me.

A sermon without Jesus is an empty prescription bottle—it may appear helpful from the outside, but there’s nothing inside that can actually heal us. Or, as Charles Spurgeon memorably put it, “A sermon without Christ in it is like a loaf of bread without any flour in it. No Christ in your sermon, sir? Then go home, and never preach again until you have something worth preaching.”

Preacher, I would love to meet you and learn all about you—and I’m sure many of your congregants would, too. But if you love us, don’t give us yourself in your sermons. Give us Jesus.

Application: Before preaching, ask yourself:

  • Does this sermon clearly articulate who Jesus is and what he has done? (i.e., Does this sermon clearly articulate the gospel?)
  • Will this sermon leave the congregation knowing more about me or more about Jesus? Will it leave the congregation hungry for more of me or more of Jesus?
  • Will this sermon leave the congregation thinking, “What a great preacher!” or “What a great Savior!”?

Mark #2: The Word of God drives the sermon.

Imagine your friend Sally is sick and greatly troubled. Desperate for help, she calls you and asks you to drive her to the physician. You drop everything and rush over, honored that she would reach out to you for assistance. She thanks you profusely as you drive her to the doctor’s office, and you can feel her hope rising as you get closer. This physician is known to provide help for people like her. Color returns to her face as her anticipation rises to meet him.

But imagine that when you get to the office and the doctor comes in, you cut him off every time he tries to speak to Sally. Every time the doctor opens his mouth to give direction, you speak over him to give Sally your best advice. After 20 minutes of this nonsense, the doctor leaves to attend to another patient.

Can you imagine anything more grievous? Sally was literally in the presence of the physician who could help and heal her—with ears wide open to hear him—but you never let him speak.

This is what a Word-less sermon is like. Hurting people have come to church for healing. They are inside the doctor’s office, so to speak, eagerly waiting to meet and hear from the Physician. How lamentable would it be if we (as pastors) took up their entire visit offering our best advice rather than letting them hear from the Physician himself?

Preacher, you will be tempted to use the pulpit to ride your favorite hobby horses, monologue your latest theological fascinations, showcase your greatest achievements, or broadcast your political convictions. Resist this urge. As Paul tells Timothy, “Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching” (2 Timothy 4:2, emphasis mine).

Word-less preaching is powerless preaching. Sure, we might inspire some listeners with our own wisdom or creativity—perhaps even influence their behavior. But true heart change comes from the Holy Spirit working through the proclamation of the Word of God. As Bryan Chapell put it, “Preaching accomplishes its spiritual purposes not because of the skills or the wisdom of a preacher but because of the power of the Scripture proclaimed (1 Cor. 2:4–5).”

Application: Before preaching, ask yourself:

  • Have I clearly understood and communicated the author’s intent in the passage?
  • Do my points and illustrations serve the text (rather than distract from it)?
  • Have I connected the main point(s) of the text to the lives of my congregants? Have I connected the text to the gospel of Jesus Christ (to whom all of Scripture points)?

Mark #3: Clarity is prized just as much as creativity.

Creativity is immensely valuable (arguably essential) for an effective sermon. Just as God calls us to “sing a new song” (Psalm 96:1), our congregants ask us to “preach a new sermon.” We should always look for new and fresh ways to present the precious, unchanging gospel and our precious, unchanging Savior.

Yet, creativity without clarity is nothing more than fine-dressed confusion. A creative, unclear sermon is a colorful map in a foreign language—it might look pretty, but it contains very little practical value.

Preacher, are you weary today? Take comfort in this: God has not called you to be cute; he’s called you to be clear. He has not called you to work your fingers to the bone every week to provide some grandiose speech, novel revelation, or Gandolf-like wisdom. He has called you to clearly communicate the life-giving words of Scripture (cf. 1 Cor. 2:1-5; 2 Tim. 3:16; 4:2; Hebrews 4:12).

While creativity is an essential part of any good sermon, ultimately, hearts will be changed by the Holy Spirit working through the clear proclamation of the Word of God. As Timothy Keller put it, “While the difference between a bad sermon and a good sermon is mainly the responsibility of the preacher, the difference between good preaching and great preaching lies mainly in the work of the Holy Spirit.”

Application: Before preaching, ask yourself:

  • Is my outline clear? Is the main point of the text clear? Are my applications to the congregants clear?
  • Are my explanations understandable to an unbeliever and/or new believer?
  • Is it clear how my illustrations serve the text?

Mark #4: The sermon contains clear, compelling, Word-driven applications to the modern congregation.

Preachers often fall into one of two ditches when it comes to application. The first (increasingly common) ditch is to skip the exposition of Scripture and immediately apply the topic to congregants. This (mal)practice makes preachers susceptible to misinterpreting the text, ignoring the person and work of Christ, and turning sermons into glorified to-do lists for the congregation.

But there is another ditch that can, at times, be even more maddening to the congregant—and that’s when the preacher spends the entire sermon in theological la-la land, never actually connecting the text to the life of the congregant. I still remember hearing a sermon years ago in which the question crossed my mind, “Does the preacher even know I am here?” It felt like he was speaking to hear his own voice more than he was preaching to the people in front of him. Needless to say, it was difficult to take away much from this sermon.

One of the greatest compliments a preacher can receive is, “Pastor, it felt like you were speaking directly to me—as if you knew exactly what I am going through!” What creates such a powerful experience of connectedness to the sermon? More often than not, it is the Holy Spirit working through a preacher’s clear, intentional, and thoughtful application of the text to his listeners.

Application: Before preaching, ask yourself:

  • Have I clearly applied the main point(s) of this text to the congregants?
  • Have I clearly applied the hope of the gospel to the congregants?
  • By the end of my sermon, will my congregants be able to answer, “Why does this passage matter for my life?”

BONUS MARK: The sermon outline “preaches” by itself.

Okay, I’ll admit: this mark is more of a preference than a necessity. But I also believe it is more valuable than most preachers give credit for. Consider the difference between two possible sermon outlines for Revelation 12—and ask yourself which sermon you are more interested in hearing.

Sermon #1 Title: “More Symbolism”

Sermon #1 Outline

Point #1: The Symbolic Woman (vv. 1–6)

Point #2: A Heavenly Battle (vv. 7–12)

Point #3: The Conclusion (vv. 13–17)

___________________

Sermon #2 Title: “With Us in the Wilderness”

Sermon #2 Outline

We can have hope as we live in the wilderness because with us is…

A LORD who will nourish us. (vv. 1–6)

A Lamb who will defend us. (vv. 7–12)

A Lover who will save us. (vv. 13–17)

___________________

Often the sermon outline is one of the first things (sometimes the only thing) people remember. An outline that doesn’t communicate anything is, at best, a missed opportunity. Meanwhile, a sermon outline that is clear, memorable, well-tailored to the text, and preaches Christ will continue to bear fruit well beyond the 30 minutes of preaching. (Bonus points if you can make the sermon title “preach,” too!)

Application: Before preaching, ask yourself:

  • Do my points communicate something (preferably gospel hope)?
  • Does my outline help the congregants see how the text fits together, applies to them, and connects to Christ?
  • If my congregants only remembered my outline, would they still be nourished?

Rest in God’s promises

Preacher, God has given you the wonderful privilege of proclaiming his life-giving Word to his people. Thank him for this precious opportunity, and rest afresh in his promise that his Word will not return empty but will achieve the purpose for which he sent it (Isaiah 55:11).

Recommended resources:

Note: This article is adapted from an article I wrote for Crosswalk.com. You can find the original article here.

__________________________________________________

Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Watch or listen to “With Us in the Wilderness” here.

Watch or listen to “Four Lies of Temptation” here.

Watch or listen to “Forgiveness” here.

Read or watch “How to Do (and Enjoy) Discipleship” here.

Read “Three Ways to Glorify God in Worry and Anxiety” here.

How to Do (and Enjoy) Discipleship

/ Blake Glosson / 4 Comments

Above is a video devotional on discipleship I delivered for a mini-series at my church. A lightly edited transcript of the video is below.

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A few years ago, I got to see the Broadway show Hamilton, which was easily one of the most impressive performances I have ever seen in person (along with Taylor Swift, of course). For three hours, I sat in awe of the creativity and excellence of the entire production. I could talk for a long time about this show.

Yet one of my favorite parts of Hamilton was not the show itself but the drive home from Chicago with my sister. We blabbered back and forth for a full hour: Wasn’t that incredible? Wasn’t Eliza’s voice amazing? Wasn’t King George hilarious? Did you see those acrobats? Did they ever mess up?

What was I doing as I recounted my favorite parts to my sister? I was inviting her to enter into praise with me. I was inviting her to enjoy and marvel at the object I found admirable. Why? Because our joy is amplified when someone else praises the same object that we find beautiful. Our joy is amplified when we share in praising the praiseworthy.

We’ve all felt this sensation. When you hear a catchy song, watch a riveting movie, or see a beautiful sunset, don’t you want to share it with someone? Then—after the other person experiences the object of your praise—you ask, “Wasn’t that so good?” If she says, “That was amazing,” joy floods your heart—and that’s because sharing in praise completes our joy.

My Hamilton experience is just a tiny glimpse into what makes Christian discipleship so wonderful. Discipleship is an invitation to worship and enjoy our beautiful and praiseworthy Savior, Jesus Christ, with one another. And when we do that—when we share in praise and pursuit of Jesus—Christ is glorified, and our joy is multiplied.

Let’s consider three questions: What is discipleship? Why do discipleship? How can we grow as disciplers?

1. What is discipleship?

Before we define what discipleship is, it’s helpful to consider what it is not. Two common misconceptions of discipleship are helpful to identify up front:

On the one hand, some people think discipleship is merely community. They think as long as they have spent time with another Christian, they have therefore done discipleship.

On the other hand, some people think discipleship is merely teaching. They think as long as they gave someone a gospel tract or sermon, they have therefore done discipleship.

Unfortunately, neither community alone nor teaching alone fulfills God’s purposes for discipleship. Discipleship, rather, is the marriage between community and teaching (see 1 Thessalonians 2:8). Discipleship is life-on-life, gospel-centered, Word-driven, Christ-conforming community.

Often, discipleship happens when a mature believer teaches and walks alongside a younger Christian. But it’s not limited to that context. Discipleship happens whenever two people seek to know Christ, love Christ, and become more like Christ together. Examples include:

  • A mother teaching her child how to pray.
  • Two young men holding each other accountable.
  • An older Christian mentoring a younger Christian.
  • Two friends studying the Bible together.
  • Siblings going to church together and then talking about the sermon afterward.
  • A married couple inviting a single adult into their home for dinner and intentional spiritual conversation.

Discipleship is what happens whenever two or more people seek to know Jesus, love Jesus, reflect Jesus, and become more like Jesus together. To say that in three words: biblical discipleship is following Jesus together.

2. Why do discipleship? Why follow Jesus together?

Consider two reasons to follow Jesus with others:

(A) Because salvation is found in no one except Jesus; there is no other name under heaven by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12).

Jesus is the most precious, most beautiful, most glorious, most trustworthy, most praiseworthy person in the universe, and he is the only unfailing object of salvation, joy, hope, and peace. We follow Jesus to gain and know him (see Philippians 3:8).

So, you say, “Okay—I get that, and I do love Jesus, but why should we follow Jesus together? Can’t I just follow him alone?”

Consider the second benefit of discipleship:

(B) Following Jesus with someone else leads to a double blessing that cannot come from following Jesus alone.

Let’s return to the sunset analogy. When you enjoy a beautiful sunset with your wife, husband, or close friend, two wonderful things happen at that moment:

First, you enjoy the sunset more because of that person’s presence. We’ve all felt this joy—beauty is better shared!

But we often overlook the second blessing: You also enjoy the other person’s presence more because of the sunset. The very experience of admiring beauty with someone else causes you to walk away with a deeper appreciation for both the object of beauty and the person with whom you share it.

Discipleship provides the same double blessing! When you marvel at the beauty of Christ with another person, you walk away with a deeper love for Christ and that other person (see Psalm 16:2–3).

To take that a step further: When you and another person pursue Jesus together, you will not only be able to enjoy the beauty of Jesus with that other person, but you will also be able to enjoy the beauty of Jesus through that other person. Think about the most patient person you know. Do you realize that this person’s patience is helping you understand and cherish the patience of Christ? Think about the most loving person you know. Do you realize that this person’s love is helping you understand and cherish the love of Christ?

Discipleship invites us to enjoy Christ and the people around us more—it’s a double blessing! Discipleship is the joy of knowing and being known, loving and being loved, and becoming more like Christ with someone else.

So, you say, “That sounds great on paper, but how?…

3. …How can I grow as a discipler?”

Consider three marks of an effective discipler. (This is by no means an exhaustive list; it’s more of a starting point.)

(A) An effective discipler teaches with both her words and her actions.

Remember, discipleship is the marriage between teaching and community. Sometimes the most powerful moments of discipleship happen not when you are explaining justification by faith alone at a coffee shop but when someone simply observes your life:

  • They watch the way you speak gently to your kids. (Or they hear you repent to your kids after not speaking gently to them!)
  • They see how you treat the waitress with kindness.
  • They watch you respond with patience when someone cuts you off in traffic.
  • They see how hospitable you are in your home.
  • They hear the way you encourage your classmates or friends.

People will learn just as much about Christ by your actions as by your words. So it’s important to not only talk about the Christian life with the person you are discipling but also to live the Christian life with him or her.

(B) An effective discipler regularly spends time with Jesus in God’s Word and prayer.

I love the little phrase at the end of Acts 4:13:

“Now when [the Jewish leaders] saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus.”

Can the people in your life recognize that you have been with Jesus? Can they tell that you have been spending time with him?

It has been said that you become like the people you are around the most. Can others tell that you have been around Jesus? Do they see Christ shining through you? Do they even hear you talking like him because you have been listening to his words so much?

A great way to disciple others is to read the Bible and pray with them. When these disciplines are already rhythms of your own life, you’ll find them spilling out in your interactions with others, and your discipleship will be much more fruitful.

(C) An effective discipler excels at listening.

A common mistake among people in leadership positions is to think that to lead a student, child, or a younger Christian, we must major in speaking—in telling others what to do and how to live. This simply isn’t true. While part of discipling others is guiding them through our words, the first step in leading and influencing others is truly knowing them, which cannot happen apart from listening.

The adage is true: people do not care how much you know until they know how much you care. We earn the right to speak into the lives of others by first listening well.

Love through discipleship

Is there someone in your life with whom you can have an intentional conversation about Jesus? Sometime today, seek out an opportunity to talk with this person (or schedule a time to meet with this person). Often the most meaningful spiritual conversations begin with a very simple question, such as:

  • How are you doing spiritually?
  • How can I pray for you?
  • What has God been teaching you recently?
  • What is one way you’d like to grow in your faith?
  • What is one joy and one challenge in your faith right now?
  • Can I share a passage with you that has been encouraging me?
  • Would you like to come to church with me this Sunday?

God wants to display Christ’s beauty to the people in your life. He will use you to accomplish this end, especially as you spend time with Jesus, reflect him through your words and actions, and listen well. So rejoice today in the blessing-filled task of discipleship!

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Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Book suggestions:

Side by Side (Edward T. Welch)

Deep Discipleship (J.T. English)

The Cost of Discipleship (Deitrich Bonhoeffer)

My recent articles:

Read “The Day ‘Darkness Rejoiced As Though Heaven Had Lost’” here.

Read “7 Things to Say to a Hurting Loved One” here.

Read “In Suffering, God Isn’t (Simply) Teaching You a Lesson” here.

Read “To Fix or Not to Fix? When to Give Advice and When to Listen” here.

7 Things to Say to a Hurting Loved One

/ Blake Glosson / 4 Comments

Note: This article is also published on The Gospel Coalition. It was also discussed on Moody Radio (you can also listen on Spotify and most other podcast platforms).

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Arguably no moment is more formative than immediately after a loved one shares her pain with you. Relationships are defined by what happens in these sacred seconds. Your words can bring healing or harm, communicate love or judgment, build or destroy trust.

Listening is almost always the surest way to care for a hurting friend, as it establishes trust, facilitates understanding, opens the door to self-discovery and growth, and powerfully communicates the heart and love of Christ. Jesus excelled in the ministry of listening, and he wants us to follow in his footsteps.

Yet Jesus did more than listen to sufferers; he also spoke life-giving words to them. While we should always take a listen-first approach with hurting loved ones, we should also look for opportunities to speak words of hope and encouragement. A timely word of encouragement can bring blessing and even healing: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24; cf. 12:18; 25:11).

Unfortunately, we often find ourselves ill-equipped to speak words of life to hurting loved ones. Consider seven helpful phrases to keep near.

1. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”

When someone reveals her heart to you, she entrusts you with a priceless possession, saying, “I trust you enough to handle this with care.” Recognize the preciousness and privilege of this moment. It is an honor that she trusts you enough to make herself vulnerable. Dignify her by vocalizing your appreciation of this reality.

Expressing gratitude communicates, “You are valuable to me, and I am grateful you would entrust me with something as precious as your heart.” Acknowledging the value of a sufferer’s heart and feelings is one of the easiest and most effective ways to honor her. 

2. “This is a difficult situation.”

Suffering can be a breeding ground for accusation. Sometimes this accusation is self-inflicted, but often it is perpetuated by a misguided (or abusive) authority figure, peer, or the Accuser himself, who says to sufferers:

  • “Toughen up. What kind of Christian are you?”
  • “You shouldn’t still be grieving about this.”
  • “Why are you hurting? You must not trust God.”
  • “Why are you sad? You brought this upon yourself.”
  • “Why are you confused? You must not have genuine faith.”
  • “Why are you anxious? You must be sinning.”

When you acknowledge the difficulty of a situation, you remind the sufferer that she’s not crazy, stupid, or sinning for feeling hurt or confused. As limited people walking alongside limited people in a broken and complex world, often the most fitting thing we can say is simply, “This is hard.”

Another useful phrase is, “This is wrong.” This sentiment is especially appropriate when the sufferer has been mistreated or abused. Acknowledging the wrongness of injustice is right; Christ hears your words and says, “Amen.” Jesus sees and hates the ravaging effects of sin (Prov. 8:13; Isa. 59:15), mourns with his people (Isa. 53:4; 63:8–9; John 11:33–35), and will one day return to bring judgment and make all things right (Rev. 21:1–8; 22:1–7).

3. “My heart hurts for you.”

I still remember the first time someone (a long-time family friend) spoke these exact words to me. I remember thinking, “I don’t think five words have ever made me feel so . . . loved.” Not only did this person see and acknowledge my suffering, but she cared enough to enter into it.

Expressing your sympathetic pain incarnates the heart of Christ, who enters into our pain and suffers with us in all our affliction (cf. Isa. 53:4; 63:8–9; John 11:33–35; Acts 9:1–5). It also alleviates the sufferer’s loneliness, if only for a moment. The words, “My heart hurts for you” remind your loved one that she does not walk alone. Not many assurances are more comforting to a hurting soul.

4. “Thank you for modeling Christlikness by [insert one specific way the sufferer is demonstrating Christlikeness].”

Encouragement is universal medicine for hurting souls. Do not leave an interaction with a hurting loved one without administering this tonic. Even if you can’t change her circumstances, you can buoy her by speaking a specific word of encouragement.

As your loved one explains her hardship, listen closely for things she’s doing well. Acknowledge these things and thank her for her example. Useful phrases include:

  • “I admire the way you [insert behavior].”
  • “Your [insert behavior] encourages me and glorifies God.”
  • “Your [insert behavior] is clear evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in you.”

When you acknowledge how a sufferer’s efforts encourage you, reflect Christ, or serve God’s people, it reminds her that God is at work and that her suffering is not pointless.

5. “This verse has been meaningful to me: [read/quote Scripture].”

No words help a hurting person more than God’s words. Scripture is food for famished ones (Matt. 4:4), comfort for the afflicted (Ps. 119:49–50), life for those walking through the valley of the shadow of death (Ps. 119:25, 50, 107; John 6:63). When walking with a hurting loved one, remind her of God’s presence and promises:

Praying with a hurting loved one is another effective way to use your words to bless her and point her to God’s presence and promises. One of my favorite passages to pray with hurting loved ones is Psalm 143 (especially vv. 6–12).

We do need to be careful with how we introduce Scripture to someone suffering. God’s Word should never be used to downplay suffering (band-aiding) or to show superiority over the other person (disparaging). You’ve heard the unhelpful advice:

  • You’re depressed? Philippians 4:4 says, “Rejoice always!” 
  • You’re anxious? Philippians 4:6 says, “Be anxious for nothing!”
  • You’re lonely? God’s Word tells us to pursue relationships. Have you tried spending time with people?

Unhelpful statements like these communicate arrogance (Look at how much wisdom I have that you don’t) and ignorance (Your suffering is an easy problem to fix; you just need to read this verse). A sufferer’s pain is never as simplistic as a problem to fix or a lesson to learn. Let’s be careful not to communicate these harmful messages.

6. “What can I do to help?”

During the conversation, you might ask, “What would be most helpful for me to do right now? Would it be most helpful for me to listen? To pray with you? To share my thoughts?” Asking this question (and honoring her request) will communicate love and direct you on how to serve her most effectively.

After the conversation, you can ask, “How can I best care for you in the days ahead?” Often it is useful to offer specific suggestions:

  • “Could I bring you a meal on Thursday?” 
  • “Would it be helpful if I picked up your son from school on Friday during your doctor’s appointment?”
  • “Would you like to meet before your interview on Monday to talk through some of your potential responses?”

Don’t assume you know what a sufferer needs (whether in the conversation or after the conversation). Feel free to offer suggestions, but—generally speaking—it’s best to let her tell you what would serve her most effectively.

7. Nothing.

Silence is, at times, the most appropriate response to someone’s suffering. For example, immediately after a friend loses a loved one or undergoes a traumatic experience, words can be stifling or even hurtful. The same is often true whenever a loved one begins weeping while sharing her pain. In moments like these, often the best way to show love and support is non-verbal. Hug her. Weep with her. Hold her hand. Usually, when someone’s suffering is intense, what she needs most from you is simply for you to be there (see Job 2:12–13).

A good habit when a sufferer shares her pain is to say nothing for at least five seconds when it’s your “turn” to talk. This intentional pause gives the other person a chance to breathe and share anything else that is on her heart or mind. It also communicates, “I am here to listen and understand, not merely to fix you or share my thoughts.”

When someone shares her pain, you have a golden opportunity to put the heart of Christ on display. Make the most of this opportunity by listening well, praying for the Spirit’s help, and speaking words of grace and love.

_____________________________________

Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Listen to Moody Radio’s discussion of this article here (or on Spotify here).

Read “In Suffering, God Isn’t (Simply) Teaching You a Lesson” here.

Read “When to Give Advice and When to Listen” here.

Read “Four(teen) Ways to Improve Your Listening” here

Read “Three Ways to Glorify God in Worry and Anxiety” here.

To Fix or Not to Fix? When to Give Advice and When to Listen

/ Blake Glosson / 2 Comments

Ask yourself if you can relate to the following scenario:

Your loved one tells you about her current struggle. Shortly after she starts talking, you realize you already know what she should do to help herself. So you wait (and wait and wait) for her to finish talking, mentally replaying your advice to keep from forgetting it. You nod politely as she keeps talking, but your eagerness to speak swells inside you like a water balloon about to burst. After what feels like an eternity, she (finally!) stops talking, and you blurt out your opinion. “Mission accomplished!” you think.

If you can relate to this story, you aren’t alone. In fact, if you can’t relate to this story (or some variation of it), you are likely in the minority. As Stephen Covey observed, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, but with the intent to reply.” The norm in our world is for people to talk at each other rather than to each other, to use conversation to voice one’s own opinion rather than to truly understand the other person.

This tendency becomes especially problematic when interacting with a hurting loved one. We often refer to these people as “fixers”—those who seem more interested in offering their advice on how to correct a situation than truly hearing, understanding, and sympathizing with the person in pain. The “fixer” mentality can often be hurtful and counterproductive. Yet, never sharing our thoughts and advice also seems problematic. So, how do we know when to give advice and when to listen?

Quick to listen, slow to speak [advice]

Advice, itself, is a positive thing. Most of the time, when someone offers advice, he wants good for the person to whom he’s talking. Why, then, is advice often hurtful? Who wouldn’t want direction on how to better herself or her situation?

Often, the problem is not in the advice itself but in how or when it is delivered. Yes, some advice can be flat-out bad. But what usually makes advice harmful is what precedes it—or better yet, what doesn’t precede it, namely listening and understanding. Advising without first listening is like driving a car without oil—it usually won’t work, and even if it does, it will likely cause damage.

When walking alongside hurting loved ones, we should take James’ words to heart: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…” (James 1:19). Whether or not we give advice, our first priority should always be to listen and understand (not to “fix”). Consider four problems with a fix-first approach (i.e., prioritizing fixing over listening and understanding) and what makes a listen-first approach superior.

(1) The fix-first approach is often prideful—and foolish.

Whenever we offer advice before taking time to hear the other person, we communicate to her, “I am so wise that I don’t even need to listen to you to tell you what you need.” This sentiment not only drips with arrogance, but it’s also foolish. According to Proverbs 18:2, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.” Proverbs 18:13 repeats the refrain: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

Ironically, it is not wisdom that emboldens someone to advise without first listening; it is a lack of wisdom. Those quick to speak are repeatedly called fools (cf. Proverbs 10:8; 10:19; 17:28). But the opposite is also true. Those slow to speak are repeatedly called wise (cf. Proverbs 10:8; 10:19; 17:27–28; 19:20). Consider the inverse of Proverbs 18:2: “A wise person takes pleasure in understanding, not merely in expressing his opinion.”

Do you want to grow in wisdom and humility? Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Learn to “take pleasure in understanding,” not merely vocalizing your opinion. 1

(2) The fix-first approach often leads to misguided advice.

Have you ever had a doctor cut you off and give you his prescription before you even finished sharing your symptoms? Isn’t it frustrating? You can’t trust his advice since he failed to listen and gather all the information first.

But imagine if the doctor had defended himself by saying, “Well, I am just a fixer! I don’t have time to listen!” That would be preposterous, wouldn’t it? You might tell him, “Listening isn’t opposed to fixing [or healing]; it’s an essential part of it!”

The same reality applies to our advice to others. If we advise without first listening, we will likely give the wrong prescription—a dangerous endeavor. Meanwhile, when we take the time to listen and understand the other person, our counsel will be more informed and much more likely to lead to true healing. If our ultimate desire truly is the other person’s healing—not some ulterior motive—we will listen carefully before offering a prescription.

(3) The fix-first approach keeps others from feeling safe enough, heard enough, and loved enough to take our advice.

Even when fixers happen to give the right advice (a rare feat when listening is absent), those around them seldom use it. The adage is true: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Whenever we treat others as problems to fix rather than people to foster, we objectify them and usually leave them uninspired by our words. If you don’t listen well when someone speaks, you shouldn’t expect her to listen when you speak (let alone apply your advice). Meanwhile, whenever we prioritize listening and understanding—without judging or immediately correcting—we establish trust. 2

The moment after someone shares something vulnerable is one of the most crucial occasions for establishing trust and influence. If your immediate response to someone’s difficult situation is, “Maybe you should…” or, “Well, this is why I have been telling you to…”, she will feel like you’re treating her life like a check engine light. Meanwhile, responses like “Tell me more” or “I am so sorry; [insert follow-up question]” establish safety and trust. The more you listen and seek to understand, the more she will feel safe, heard, and loved—and the more receptive she will be to your feedback. You earn the right to speak into others’ lives by first listening well. 3

(4) The fix-first mentality misses a golden opportunity to reflect the heart of Christ.

If anyone had the right to fix people without first listening, it was Jesus. Jesus knew all things (John 16:30)—including what was in the hearts of men and women (John 2:25)—so he technically didn’t need to ask any questions. Yet, question-asking was one of Jesus’s favorite forms of ministry; the gospels alone record Jesus asking over 300 questions! Why is that? Why would Jesus ask so many questions (and take the time to listen) if he already had all of the answers? Why wouldn’t he simply step onto the scene and start fixing people?

Jesus saw his life mission as more than fixing and the purpose of listening as more than information-gathering. He used listening and asking questions to persuade others (cf. Matthew 6:25–34), to draw them out, to communicate love, and to help people understand themselves (cf. Matthew 9:27–31; 16:13–20; Mark 9:14–29; John 5:1–9; 11:21–27). If you met Jesus today, how would the interaction go? He would take an interest in your life. He would ask you questions. He would listen attentively. He would look you in the eye. He would smile. He would make you feel seen, heard, and loved.

Jesus is not an unfeeling dentist who only cares about getting the plaque out of your life. He is the Bridegroom who knows and loves you and saves you to know and love him. Jesus died on the cross not merely to fix us but to bring us to himself (1 Peter 3:18).

Love by listening 

Jesus majored in the ministry of listening, and one of the best ways we can communicate the heart and love of Christ is by listening well to those around us.

Of course, Jesus did much more than listen to us; he also took action to save us. Jesus is not only a hearer; he is also a healer, and he regularly uses words to bring life and restoration. In the next article, we will consider how to use our words and advice to reflect Christ and speak life into others.

Yet, while Jesus’s ministry is more than listening, let’s take a moment today to cherish the fact that it’s not less than that. Even if no one in your life seems to want to listen, Jesus does. Rejoice afresh today in your loving, listening, Lord!

Note: This article focused on some of the dangers of giving advice. If you would like to learn more about how to use words to give life to others, check out this other article.

___________________________________________

Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Watch “With Us in the Wilderness” (sermon) here.

Read “Four(teen) Ways to Improve Your Listening” here.

Read “Can I Do Anything With Completely Pure Motives?” here.

Read “Five Habits That Kill Contentment” here.

Read “Three Ways to Glorify God in Worry and Anxiety” here.

Four(teen) Ways to Improve Your Listening

/ Blake Glosson / 2 Comments

“Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share.” —Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen [and] slow to speak…” —James 1:19, NIV

Nothing unburdens a hurting soul, delights a cheerful soul, or gives clarity to a muddled soul like a friend who listens with interest. As David Augsburger observed, “Being heard is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference.” (I would also suggest that being heard is so close to being known that most people cannot tell the difference.)

We all long to be known and loved, and listening is custom-fit to accomplish both of these ends. When done correctly, listening can bring healing, refreshment, encouragement, transformation. In fact, I would argue that there is not a single conversational habit you could adopt that will have a greater impact on the people in your life than listening well. (The practice of giving specific encouragement is also near the top of the list.)

The problem is that many parents, counselors, teachers, and friends believe the best way to have an impact is to talk—to offer advice, share knowledge, or impress with words of wisdom. Most of the time, that’s not the case. As the adage goes, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” You earn the right to speak into one’s life through listening well. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer put it, “We should listen with the ears of God so that we may speak the word of God.”

Do you want to have an impact on those around you? Learn to listen well. Listening is a gift you can always give and a skill you can always improve. To that end, consider four(teen) ways to improve your listening.

1. Choose to listen.

Probably half the reason why many don’t listen well is because they don’t choose to. The first step to listening well is a matter of intentionality—a conscious choice.

In every conversation, you have two options (with a wide spectrum in between): tune out or listen well. Often this is simply the choice between putting yourself first and putting the other person first. As Stephen Covey put it, “Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Most people are more interested in what they have to say than what you have to say.

The reason being heard feels so much like being loved is because true listening is loving. It is caring rather than consuming, understanding rather than using, giving rather than taking. Not many habits reflect the gospel more powerfully than this.

2. Don’t assume you already know what the other person has to say.

Perhaps nothing kills active listening more than assuming “I already know this.” Worse, when we assume the other person has nothing interesting, new, or novel to offer, it can subtly fuel spiteful feelings toward him. To quote Bonhoeffer again, “There is a kind of listening with half an ear that presumes already to know what the other person has to say. It is an impatient, inattentive listening that despises the brother and is only waiting for a chance to speak and thus get rid of the other person” (emphasis mine).

At best, the assumption that the other person has nothing new or interesting to offer is unhelpful. At worst, it will deteriorate a relationship. Meanwhile, if you approach interactions with the expectation that you will learn something new, you will not only listen better, discover more, and participate with greater enjoyment, but you will also honor the other person and reflect the love of Christ. As my friend Caleb Collins put it, “Treat others like they have something valuable to say and you will likely both give and get something valuable in return.”

3. Become an expert at asking questions.

Asking questions and listening are a match made in heaven (literally). Jesus asked over 300 questions in the gospels alone—even though he “already knew what others had to say” infinitely more than we do! (See Psalm 139:4; John 2:24-25.) If question-asking and listening were merely about information gathering, Jesus wouldn’t have done it. Yet he majored in it. Why? Because question-asking is a uniquely powerful form of ministry.

Asking questions communicates that you value the other person (and what she has to say) in a way that talking simply cannot—regardless of how profound your words are. This is a priceless gift in a world full of people starving to be noticed and valued. If you ask good questions, people will encounter the attentive, loving, interested presence of Christ through you in a rare and transformative way.

If you struggle to think of good questions to ask, remember that you always have FORKS in your tool belt. (See this article for an explanation of this acronym and further tips on asking great questions.)

If you are a counselor or a friend of a hurting loved one

Asking questions is especially important when helping a hurting loved one. Asking questions shows the other person that you see her as a person to foster, not a problem to fix. (It also helps you give much better counsel if and when you do speak.) Always aim to ask at least 3 questions before offering your input.

Counselors should aim at something like a 10-to-1 ratio between asking questions and giving advice. Effective counseling is much more about understanding the other person (and helping him understand himself) than it is about fixing or giving answers. People are more likely to change when you help them come to a conclusion than when you tell them what they should think. Advice (often) band-aids a wound; listening and asking questions work toward healing the wound.

4. Show interest.

If you want to make someone feel heard, listen. If you want to make someone feel loved, listen with interest. Consider ten ways to grow in this area:

  1. Look her in the eye. Maintaining eye contact communicates to the other person, “You are the most important thing to me right now.” Wandering eyes will always make the other person feel unheard (or not fully heard at best).
  1. Face her. As someone is talking, ask yourself, “Does my body language communicate that I am all-in on this conversation or that I’m more interested in something else?”
  1. Put down your phone. Not many things communicate disinterest (and disrespect) more than looking at your phone when someone is talking to you. Meanwhile, putting your phone away assures the other person that she has your undivided attention.
  1. Ask clarifying questions. Clarifying questions communicate your desire to understand and your interest in the conversation. Two of the best questions to ask are, “What did you mean by [insert one specific word or phrase they said]?” and “Are you saying that [insert what you think they’re saying in your own words]?” 
  1. Smile. Smiling shows that you enjoy the other person’s presence. You don’t need to smile for the entire interaction. But if you spend two hours with someone and you never smile, what does this communicate to the other person about your interest in them?
  1. Nod while she’s talking. Facial expressions and non-verbal affirmations show her that you understand and you’re actively listening.
  1. Write down important details. It can be easy to forget important parts of a dialogue (e.g., the names of her kids, the anniversary of her mom’s death, her prayer requests). Immediately after a conversation ends, make note of these things. Remembering sensitive details will go a long way in making someone feel heard and loved.
  1. Set aside time for undistracted listening. It is understandably difficult to listen well as you’re rushing out the door, about to take an important phone call, or falling asleep after a long day. Make listening easier by setting aside time when you can be engaged without distraction. If you’re unable to give someone your full attention, ask her, “Can we talk about this [insert a specific day and time]?” This communicates that you care about this person’s thoughts enough to make sure you can give them your full attention.
  1. Pray. Before you meet with someone (or before you get home from work to see your spouse), pray, “Help me to listen well.” This glorifies God, honors the other person, and puts your mind in the right place. And you better believe God is delighted to answer this prayer!
  1. Follow up. Every time you follow up with someone about something she said, you communicate that “I heard you, I care about you, and I want to hear more about you.” Often the sweet spot to follow up is within 24-72 hours.

Love by listening

You will have an opportunity to love someone today by listening well. Take advantage of this opportunity and lean into it as a gift from God. Not many things will convey the affection of Christ more powerfully than your intentional and interested attention.

____________________________________________________________________________

Blake Glosson is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois, and an MDiv student at Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been published by The Gospel Coalition and Crosswalk.com and republished and/or referred by Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn), Challies.com (Tim Challies), Moody Radio (here, here, and here), The JOY FM (The Morning Cruise with Dave, Bill, and Carmen), ChurchLeaders.com, The Aquila Report, Monergism.com, and numerous other sources. Previously, he served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.

Read “Five Habits That Kill Contentment” here.

Read “Four Burdens Jesus Never Asked You to Carry” here.

Read “Three Ways to Glorify God in Worry and Anxiety” here.

Read “An Answer to Prayer Even Better Than Clarity” here.