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Note: This article is also published on The Gospel Coalition. Read here.
Our worst nightmare
An older friend once told me the story of a girl he dated for three years. (I’ll call my friend John and his girlfriend Sue for this story.)
John and Sue were very close and on track to get married. John was planning his proposal, but one thing nagged at him: he had never told Sue about his past.
So, one day, John asked Sue to dinner to discuss their relationship. He told her he didn’t want to enter marriage with secrets and proceeded to explain his past sins and mistakes. Sue listened quietly. When John finished, he held his breath, waiting for her response.
After a moment, Sue excused herself to go to the bathroom, where she remained for an unusually long time. (The waiter even asked John if she was coming back.) When Sue finally returned, she said she needed time to think about what he’d shared. John described the drive home as “awkwardly silent.”
A few days later, Sue told John she was ready to talk. John drove over nervously. Sue got straight to the point and spoke a few words that have stuck with John for over 25 years: “John, I’m sorry. But I just can’t imagine marrying a guy like you.”
John was crushed. When he made himself most known and vulnerable, he was met with shame and abandonment. John and Sue broke up, and John was left reeling.
Don’t worry; there is a happy ending—John has been joyfully married to someone else for over two decades now. But John’s experience with Sue is everyone’s worst nightmare. We fear that if we were really known, we’d be tolerated at best, abandoned at worst, and certainly not wanted. Deep down, we fear that if God and others saw our messiest parts—our sins, insecurities, traumas, and impurities—they would say, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t imagine loving someone like you.”
Abuses of “purity culture”
For some, the fear of being truly known stems from shameful experiences in legalistic religious circles. Some have had authority figures in the church or home insinuate that if they’ve messed up—especially sexually—they are forever dirty. Discardable. Irredeemable.
Others have been led to believe that being sinned against renders them guilty and impure. These teachings aren’t just harmful; they are in direct opposition to the Gospel. Where legalism whispers, “You better hide your sin and trauma from Jesus, or he will shame you,” the Gospel invites, “Bring your sin and trauma to Jesus, and he will free you from your shame.”
Satan wants to use shame to drive you away from Jesus. This is actually good news! If Jesus intended to make your shame worse—burying you for your sins and mistakes—the devil would send you to Jesus rather than trying to keep you away from him. Satan knows that Christ’s presence is where shame is released.
Friend, if you take one thing from this article, let it be this: Jesus is the remedy to your shame, not the cause. He is who you need most in your brokenness and sin.
Self-shaming
While others may have kickstarted shame, we don’t always need others to keep it going. Over time, we become experts at shaming ourselves, often without realizing it:
- You slept in until when? Lazy.
- You ate what? No wonder you’re fat.
- You did what? That’s awful—you’re awful.
- You said what? How could you be so stupid?
- You spent how much time scrolling? Pathetic.
- You still haven’t responded to that text? Some friend you are.
- You were impatient with your kids? A good parent would never.
- Why aren’t you more like him? Or her? You’re a disappointment.
- You still haven’t cleaned that spot? Fixed that thing? So unorganized.
- How are you still not married? Not a homeowner? Not a parent? What’s wrong with you? You’re so far behind.
- Why don’t you read the Bible more? Pray more? Serve more? Exercise more? Sleep more? Read more? Study more? Work more? Journal more? Pursue your hobbies more? Spend time with your family more? You’re not enough. You’ll never be enough.
Self-shaming is a defense mechanism rooted in the belief that we are unlovable to God and others. Often, we voice the harsh words we fear others are thinking—as if beating them to the punch might soften the blow or inspire us to change. Ironically, self-shaming doesn’t protect us; it only perpetuates harmful lies and keeps us in bondage.
Shame often grows through small but consistent applications. One author observes that the first thought many of us have upon waking is, “I didn’t get enough sleep,” and the last thought before falling asleep at night is, “I didn’t get enough done”—and everything in between whispers, “You’re not enough.” Satan is perfectly content playing the long game—he thrives on whispering subtle lies that slowly and quietly bury us beneath a mountain of shame.
Steps toward freedom from shame
Feeling shame doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Shame is a normal human response to sin or trauma, and the capacity to feel it is a sign of empathy and mental health. (It’s those who could commit heinous evil without remorse who are most unhealthy.)
That said, while the capacity to feel shame is healthy, living in shame is destructive. Consider three ways to engage with shame to move toward freedom.
1. Reject all vague accusations. (Press them until they’re specific.)
Satan loves keeping accusations foggy and ambiguous. Shame has power over us as long as it’s generalized:
- “You’re a failure.”
- “You’re worthless.”
- “You’re not good enough.”
- “You should be further along by now.”
- “You’re a bad _______” [spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, person, Christian].
Notice that none of these statements identify specific sins to confess or offer measurable standards to evaluate their truth. They are harsh enough to inflict pain but vague enough to prevent action. You can’t fight what you can’t name, nor can you experience the grace of God and others for something you can’t identify. Force all accusations to be specific—this will allow you to evaluate their validity and respond appropriately. For example:
Accusation #1: “You’re a terrible friend.”
- Press the accusation: “What specifically makes me a terrible friend?”
- Possible discovery: The accusation came after you missed your friend’s call, forgot a significant date, or were rude one night when you were stressed. This event might’ve been unavoidable, an honest mistake, or a sin that needs repenting. Yet none of these actions equate to being a terrible friend. You won’t find “being rude one night” as the Webster definition of a terrible friend, nor would you write your friend off as being a terrible friend if they were rude to you (especially if they apologized). Pressing accusations until they’re specific brings lies to the surface and helps you know how to respond.
Accusation #2: “You’re a failure.”
- Press the accusation: “What specifically makes me a failure?”
- Possible discovery: The accusation came when you compared your circumstances or accomplishments to someone else’s. You remember that comparison diverts your attention from God’s promises and unique plan for your life, and not being where someone else is in life does not make you a failure. You won’t find peer-reviewed research that finds you a failure for not having the same circumstances or accomplishments as others in your life. You may have messed up (we all have). You may have room to grow (we all do). But we serve a God of second (and third and fourth and ten thousandth) chances. You are not a failure.
Accusation #3: “You’re dirty.”
- Press the accusation: “What specifically makes me dirty?”
- Possible discovery: The accusation came after you looked at pornography or crossed boundaries with your boyfriend or girlfriend. You realize this is an opportunity to confess your sin to God and others. You remember that repentance is an invitation to new obedience and deeper intimacy with God. When we confess our sins, God forgives and cleanses us completely (cf. 1 John 1:9; John 15:3). You’re not dirty.
When you force accusations to be specific, you’ll uncover lies that can be discarded and allow any constructive truths that remain to be catalysts for growth and action.
2. Separate fact from feeling. (Move from “I am” to “I feel” statements.)
The second step is to shift from “I am” statements to “I feel” statements. For example, instead of, “I failed an exam; I am such a disappointment,” say, “I failed an exam, and now I feel like a disappointment.”
This shift not only validates our feelings but also separates what we did (the action) from who we are (our identity). Your feelings do not define your identity. Your sins and mistakes do not define your identity. Your unmet expectations do not define your identity. God defines your identity—and your worth and dignity are found in who he calls you (cf. Colossians 3:12).
One writer (original source unknown) observed:
Satan knows your name but calls you by your sin.
Jesus knows your sin but calls you by your name.
It’s good to validate your feelings. It’s dangerous to allow your feelings to speak the final word over you. Shifting from “I am” to “I feel” allows us to question whether our feelings are rooted in truth or distortion and positions us to respond to their claims in productive and God-honoring ways.
3. Speak—and speak to—your feelings.
Once you’ve separated fact from feeling, it’s important to speak your feelings. We speak our feelings in two ways: prayer and confession.
Speak your feelings to God through prayer
God is never afraid or ashamed of your emotions—he knows your feelings before you bring them. The purpose of speaking your feelings to God is not to give him new information but to deepen intimacy with him and let him help you. He does not say, “First get rid of your negative feelings, then come to me.” He says, “Come to me with your negative feelings and let me help you” (cf. Matthew 11:28-30).
Remember, God’s presence is where shame is released. Prayer is not an obligation but an invitation to let God carry your burdens (cf. Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:7). So, in the words of the psalmist, “Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us” (Psalm 62:8).
Speak your feelings to others through confession
Confessing our sins to others is essential for healing (cf. James 5:16). Yet confession isn’t limited to sin. We practice confession every time we allow ourselves to be seen and known by others. Perhaps no practice is more powerful to reveal shame’s lies and break its hold.
Often, there’s a significant difference between telling ourselves, “God forgives me,” and hearing someone else tell us, “God forgives you.” That difference can mark the boundary between bondage and freedom.
One of the primary ways we understand and experience God’s grace and love is when we encounter the grace and love of his people. When someone knows the worst about us but remains committed to us in love, we get a true glimpse into God’s heart. Confession can be scary at first, but it is one of God’s sweetest gifts and powerful tools for releasing shame.
Speak to your feelings through God’s Word
Finally, we must speak to our feelings with God’s truth. For example:
- “I feel unlovable, but God says I am deeply loved” (cf. Col. 3:12).
- “I feel condemned, but God says he doesn’t condemn me” (cf. John 8:11; Rom. 8:1; 1 John 3:19-20).
- “I feel worthless, but Jesus loves me so much that it was worth it to him to give up his life to have me forever” (cf. Rom. 5:6-8).
God never tells us to ignore our feelings or “just stop it” (as if we could turn off our feelings at will). He tells us to speak to our feelings with God’s Word. When your feelings threaten to take you captive, take them captive with God’s promises (cf. 2 Cor. 10:5).
Rest in God’s promises
One of my favorite verses in recent years is 1 John 3:20: “Even when we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.” (NLT)
The gospel is that there is an unchanging and objective reality that is greater than our feelings: Regardless of how you feel on a given day, you are fully and forever loved by the God who knows you completely (cf. Rom. 5:6-8).
The reason God doesn’t condemn you is not because he doesn’t know what you’ve done (see 1 John 3:19-20). It’s because he does know—and in his incalculable love for you, he made a way for you to experience grace and freedom through Christ.
True freedom doesn’t come from hiding our shame but from being fully known and loved by the Savior who took on shame to make us clean. On the cross, Jesus hung naked—bearing all our shame—so that we could stand forever in God’s approval without blemish (see Ephesians 5:25-27).
Friend, bring your shame to Jesus. He loves you, he is for you, and he waits to replace your shame with freedom and intimacy.
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Thanks for stopping by the blog! If you find this resource helpful, consider joining hundreds of readers subscribed to receive free resources to your inbox (usually 1-3 per month). You can find more of my work at The Gospel Coalition.
For more resources on shame and abuse, see Justin Holcomb’s books on abuse and trauma and this page at The Gospel Coalition.
Blake Glosson (MDiv, Reformed Theological Seminary) is a pastoral resident at Chapelstreet Church in Geneva, Illinois. He has been published and/or republished or referred by:
- The Gospel Coalition
- Life Bible
- Crosswalk
- Eternal Perspective Ministries (Randy Alcorn)
- Challies.com/Tim Challies (here and here)
- DashHouse (Darryl Dash)
- Moody Radio (here, here, and here)
- The JOY FM (here and here)
- ChurchLeaders.com
- Monergism.com
- The Aquila Report (here and here)
Previously, Blake served as the director of young adults at New Covenant Bible Church in St. Charles, Illinois.
Watch or listen to Blake’s sermons here.
Read or watch “How to Find True Peace” here.
Read or watch “How to Resist Revenge and Become Meek” here.
Read “The Neglected Ministry of Asking Questions” here.
Read “Christian, You Are Fully Known and Fully Loved” here.
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